Be a Woman Who Knows She is Enough

Your fear of being rejected because you are imperfect is exactly what is getting you rejected.

Yah…I know I’ve written about this a million times, but two recent experiences reminded me of how major this is. So here I am reminding you in case you still don't get it.

Me…Popular? My Junior High Rewind.

Last week I was at a reunion of about 15 women I knew from Junior High School. Two are close friends today; the others I hadn't seen in about 35 years.

Junior High and High School were not happy times for me. My days were consumed with feelings of being too fat, too short, too uninteresting, too not-good-enough. I was envious of my friends who were all thin and fun and popular; especially with the boys.

The way I remember it, I was a hanger-on; lucky to be part of their cool crowd. I was the girl they asked to drive because they would all hook-up with some cute boy and I would need a way home. I never had a real boyfriend; just lots of crushes and some meaningless romps. They had boys all around them, begging for their attention. And they had very close friendships with one another.

Fast forward 30+ years, when I reconnect with my friend Lindsay. She and I were bestest girlfriends in Junior High when we were 13 and 14 years old. (See the pic!)


So here we are at 50, and Lindsay starts talking about how popular I was. She tells me that all the girls and all the boys liked me because I was so cute and so nice. (I guess I was known as a nice girl then, which I’m proud of today. But at 14, who knew being nice counted?)

After talking with Lindsay it occurred to me: I spent about 30 years of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough; like I could never get the things in life that those cute and popular girls got. And wouldn’t ya know…I didn't get those things! I didn't have the feeling of fitting in or being valued in social settings – especially when men were involved. I didn't have the attention of men, or the relationships and marriages that other women had.

It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I finally decided enough was enough. I was sick of myself and my inability to have a good relationship. I committed to honest introspection, learning new stuff, and getting support from experts. And I finally realized: I was okay. I was like everyone else – somewhat flawed – but still a great person. I was worthy of acceptance and love. Even from men.

So I stopped wasting time dwelling on my imperfections and set out leading with what was fabulous about me. Did I have to fake it for a while? Yes. But then I started believing it. And then my husband Larry walked into my life. And he wanted me. Just how I was.

If You Won't Listen to Me…Listen to Him 

Last week on Valentine’s Day, I attended an event with a “man panel.” The women in the audience were able to ask them questions, and they got some honest answers. Here was the Q&A that led me to write this post:

Q? (from a 40-something single woman): What is the one thing that attracts you to a woman you would consider as a life partner?

 

A. (from a 29 year old hot looking single man): The woman I’m attracted to is One Who Knows That She is Enough.
 

If a 29 year old guy gets this, don't you think it’s time you do?

Stop wasting time holding back, expecting rejection, and feeling less-than. Be the woman who knows you are enough.   


Gotta go. Be good to yourself.

How Smart Women Can Find Love With Smart Men – The Finale

Let’s continue the conversation about smart women and dating. Today’s post is the final in my series with my take on the article “Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating?,” published in the Huffington Post by Dr. Alex Benzer. (If you haven’t read my previous posts, you can find Part One here; and Part Two here.)

As I said previously, I think Dr. Benzer’s work on this is spot on. I also completely understand why so many women were angered – even enraged – by it. I know from my own experience how hard it is to let go and open up…just a little…to hearing that “it’s not all their fault.”

My colleague Michelle Vasquez commented: “Bobbi, I appreciate you having the courage to stand up and say you agree with Dr. Benzer.” To me, this isn’t about courage. This is about getting the message to as many women as possible: there is a life filled with love and intimacy waiting for you. Do whatever you have to do to find that life. That might just include taking some personal responsibility and being willing to shift how you think and act.

So, on I march. Next are my takes of Dr. Benzer’s points 4 – 7. I value your opinion. Please take a moment after reading to leave a comment. Agree or disagree; you should become part of this discussion.

4. Smart women mistake a person for real fulfillment.

Dr. B.: “Smart women can sometimes get really excited over a guy’s resume, especially when he’s gone to the right schools and held the right jobs…There’s minimal correlation between a guy’s resume and how good he can make you feel. Fulfillment is not a person; it’s a feeling.”

MT: Let me tweak this a little and see if it’s easier to digest. It could sound like an accusation that women are gold diggers. He may have meant that; but I don’t think that’s the point. So let’s exchange “right schools and right jobs” for “nice family and compatible religious beliefs.” Or whatever is on your list. (Come on…you know you have a list!  And, btw, when is that last time you updated it?)

Okay…I did this when I was dating, along with every woman I know: we fall for a guy who “looks good on paper.” You see his profile online or meet him casually at the grocery store, you go on a date, and you decide that he’s a very definite possibility. And then off you go looking for evidence that he is, indeed, The One. You look for positives, often creating ones that don’t exist, ignoring the contrary evidence. And, voila! A relationship ensues…and you do everything you can to hang on to it. Because you decided he was perfect for you.

I call this “shoehorning.”  You know: trying to cram something into a very small space.

What Dr. Benzer is saying is that you need to widen this space if you are going to find fulfilling relationships. It’s more than that stuff on a checklist. That’s the easy part. What really counts is how a man makes you feel. Do you feel valued and happy when you’re with him? Do you like and respect yourself when you’re with him? Do you feel beautiful, and do you feel safe being the complete and complex woman that you are?

5. Smart women overthink it. 


Dr. B.: “All women are master overthinkers; smart women just have extra brainpower to burn on it. So they’re experts at twisting themselves into knots of doubt, indecision and self-sabotage.”

MT: Seriously, can you deny this? Overthinking should be an Olympic sport for women. For some of us it’s about feeling in control. Others think that if we can anticipate, we can prevent rejection or disappointment. The rest of us do it because that’s just our nature and what our big bad brains do.

Regardless, the fact is that we tend to take every movement and every word out of his mouth and analyze it. And then we often turn it into a negative: we either judge him harshly or, as Dr. Benzer says, feel self-doubt and indecision.

I don’t know your batting average, but mine and the women I coach is low; we are just about always wrong. My advice? Dr. B said it best: Stop. Simplify. Did you enjoy his company? Then see him again and see what happens. Otherwise, don’t.

6. Smart women underplay their feminine charms.


Dr. B. “Newsflash from the cosmos: masculine things gravitate towards feminine things. So if you want more masculine things (e.g. guys) in your life, then cultivate your feminine energy…Receptivity is a quintessential feminine quality, so if you want more good men in your life, be receptive to their offerings.”


MT: Just like you want a man who is strong, confident, and decisive; he wants a woman who is nurturing, kind, and receptive. It’s nature. I never used to believe this, but the facts are clear. Let’s admit it and go with it, shall we?

Here’s my newsflash: Being feminine doesn’t mean you can’t also be brilliant, opinionated, and self-sufficient. It’s all part of an amazing package. (Which you already have, if you just let it all out.)

Unless you embrace your femininity – and this is probably the hardest thing for smart and accomplished women to do – you won’t attract a (grown-up) masculine man. Have fun being a girl. Be flirty, ask him to carry your bags, even ask for his advice. (I can’t tell you enough times how important it is to let a man do things for you!) And then, go off and kick ass at work, debate him about politics, and insist that you pick the next place to vacation. You can do it all.

If you haven’t read Marianne Williamson’s book A Woman’s Worth, put it on your list. You may not agree with all she says, but I promise it will open up your heart and make you happier with men. I believe in what she says: “In intimate relations with men, I want to major in feminine and minor in masculine.”  Notice she didn’t say give up the masculine. Just soften it. Consider also that Ms. Williamson is an incredibly powerful and successful woman. This seems to have worked pretty well for her.

7. Smart women are waiting for love to show up versus showing up as love.

Dr. B.: “If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.”

MT: What if you found that man: the one that thinks you are delightful, and beautiful, and brilliant? The one that boasts to his friends about your successes and supports you in all you do? The one that makes you feel safe, gives you permission to soften, and to be the complex woman that you are? What if you found that man? Wouldn’t you want him to feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds?

So I ask you: if you are in love with this magnificent man, if he makes you feel that good, then what the begeezes is so infuriating and ugly about being an open, loving, giving woman for him?

And yes, there is a catch, and an important one: you’re not going to come close to finding this man unless you show yourself to be the woman worthy of him.
So be the best and most complete woman you can be. BE the woman worthy of this amazing man. And and as Dr. Benzer says: “lead with love.”

How Smart Women Can Find Love With Smart Men – Part Two

In his article “Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating?” published in the Huffington Post, Dr. Alex Benzer confesses to love smart women, then asserts that smart women looking for a mate who “remain single, alone and lonely,” have but one thing in common: themselves. Thus, he says, should change.
 
I agree with Dr. Benzer. I believe that smart women who are disappointed by their dating and love lives have a lot more control over its outcome than they sometimes admit. As I said in my previous post, I was one of those smart and lonely women until I heard and accepted advice like this. When I did, it led me to a completely fulfilled, loving, mutually respectful marriage (at age 47).

Dr. Benzer is not saying that women are solely responsible for being single; just that smart women tend toward some beliefs and behaviors that work against them and keep meaningful connection with good men out of their reach. That doesn’t discount or minimize contributing factors like the very real jerky guys who are challenged by any woman with an opinion, or by what’s going on in the universe. It just means that with the Smart Good Guys, this in-your-face “I’m smart and you damn well better appreciate it” stuff works as well as wearing a turtleneck and business suit to a first date. (Oh…please don’t tell me you do that.)

But this is all good news, ladies. It means we have control over improving our already great lives. It means by making some shifts in our manner and communication, and maybe even taking a look at some of our beliefs that were formed years ago…we can affect huge positive results. And we never have to lose any fundamental part of ourselves in doing this…except maybe our anger and loneliness for a man.

But, ah hem…note to Dr. Benzer: even the smartest, most accomplished, confident women need to be given a message like this gracefully and with compassion. There was nothing delicate in your delivery; and this is a very delicate subject.

So here’s my effort at restating Dr. Benzer’s points. Reflecting on this is so significant; it’s the basis of so much of my coaching work with women, and was a huge part of improving my own life. It’s my sincere wish that I can help other women open up and consider making some of these positive shifts in their lives.

1. Some smart women put themselves in a no-win bind when it comes to finding an intellectual match.

Dr. Benzer: “A smart woman wants to date a smart man…however, once a relationship with Mr. Smartypants is under foot, often she unconsciously starts to compare and compete with him.”

My take: First – and this applies to all these points – let’s look at why it’s so damn important for women to insist on being recognized and respected for their intelligence. Considering we spend much of our lives battling for entrance into all kinds of boys clubs, it’s no wonder. These are the clubs in control. We want (and deserve) our piece of it and often have to fight to the finish to claim our place.
It’s difficult not to take that fight to our intimate relationships. They are men, after all. The truth is that many men do respect and admire women, and intelligence is part of the reason they pick us as their mates. Once they pick us and “win,” though, the game is over for them. They want to relax. They are more likely to show affection for us by picking a lovely restaurant or telling us how nice we look. Stroking our smart-button or engaging in intellectual sparring is often not on their list of ways to woo us.

Yet many women feel the need to keep looking for signs of respect. It’s our habit in the rest of our lives. And when a man turns his attention to our beautiful breasts or joyful personality, or he just wants to sit and “be” with us, we read that as lack of reverence for our mind.


And then…let the games begin. We start feeling unappreciated; which can quickly turn to feeling insecure. He doesn’t respect me! We respond by being defensive. We look for times he doesn’t listen to us or heed our opinion. It proves our point. We secretly wonder if we were ever his intellectual equal. We jockey for position.

And on it goes.

Understandably, many of us are more secure in our intelligence than in our feminine qualities. I urge you to recognize that your man may still admire you for your mind, yet adore you for your kindheartedness and female magnificence. If you’re not feeling appreciated in the way you want; talk about it. He may just be choosing to enjoy the relationship differently than you. As they say in business: stop, and negotiate to the win-win.

2. Smart women bring their inner CEO to the date. 

Dr. B: “…when you’re on a date…you’re no longer at work…doing those things that make you so effective at the office…does not set a man’s heart aflame.”

MT: Appearing highly capable and in control is key at the office; as a woman you’ll never get anywhere if you can’t prove these abilities over and over again. (Oh, and we’re expected to be nice about it too. Doesn’t that just piss you off?)
I agree when Dr. Benzer says that men adore a woman who can take charge and kick ass, but just don’t feel the need to have it proven around them. The thought of you going to the office, being decisive, and taking control can really turn your man on. He just doesn’t want it to be his ass that’s getting kicked or that you’re trying to control.

Honestly…who wants to be around bossy people? And no one wants to be bossed around themselves. In business, some of us are forced to endure it to climb to the next rung or simply to feed our families. In our personal life, however, no self-respecting person – man or woman – should stick around for it.

I personally think that this is less a masculine/feminine thing as it is a boss at work/person in a relationship thing. This is something to be conscious of. Watch for when you have trouble turning it off. Because if you want to maintain loving relationships…and probably even have better friendships…you need to find know where to find that “off” switch.

3. Smart women don’t make love a top priority. 

Dr. B.: “As far as anyone can tell, deep, meaningful relationships are the most important part of life… If you like a guy, make him feel it. Give him at least as much time and energy as your spreadsheet…or Facebook page. A smart guy knows exactly where he is on your priority list, and if it’s too low, he will move on.”



MT: I coach women every day that say “I don’t need a man…”I have a great life without one.” Yet, at the same time they are out there dating and saying they want to find love.

Women are yearning to find meaningful love in their lives. Everyone is. I think that by refusing to admit this as our sincerest wish – by saying it’s not necessary in our lives – we are trying to do two things:

• Manage rejection; because to wish for love and not get it means profound disappointment, and
  
• evade “losing ourselves” in a man; because we don’t quite trust ourselves to stay grounded and self-directed.

By holding on to that “I can live as happily without it” belief, we think we are protecting ourselves.

Tell me this: why can we say we want that Vice President position or that new client, and go after it with everything we have…but not do the same about wanting a loving man in our lives? Maybe because the pain of rejection or a failed relationship is so deep and personal, it seems better to just steer clear of it.

Like you, men want to feel they are special and central to their partner’s life. If you’ve got these walls up, it will surely prevent you from making connection with a man looking for a sincere relationship.  Until you can say out loud that this is important to you, and that you want it, you probably won’t get it. When you can say it, you’ll also be able to proudly say that your man rocks your world. You’ll realize that admitting this doesn’t take away one iota of your strength and independence. And you will bask in seeing your man light up in the light of your love.
———
On my next post, I’ll tackle my take on points 4 – 7 of Dr. Benzer’s article. Please join in the discussion. I welcome – no I request – your comments.
Gotta go. Be good to yourself.

How Smart Women Can Find Love With Smart Men

Are smart women their own worst enemies when dating and looking for love? If you consider yourself a smart woman, and have ever thought your intelligence gets in the way of finding a man to share your life with, you need to read on and be part of this discussion.
On December 7, Dr. Alex Benzer posted a controversial article in Huffington Post titled Why Do the Smartest Women Have the Toughest Time Dating? I strongly recommend you read it. This is important, because it is a very real concern among women. The vast majority of my single woman friends and coaching clients believe this is a major contributor to their struggle to find meaningful and mature love.

Speaking of the smart women he knows, Dr. Benzer says:
“…as fabulous as these ladies are, all of their failed relationships have one thing in common: themselves. And frankly, telling them that men are losers or even proving it conclusively doesn’t improve anyone’s plight. Useful advice is about something you can change.”

Here’s how he sums up his advice to these women:

“If you’re embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling him how great he is, making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds, you have no competition. Anywhere. Good men will come out of the woodwork to find a goddess like you.”


Read his synopsis one more time; and then stop. How are you feeling? Enticed? Informed? Pissed off? Well hold onto your hats, because here are just a few of the responses he received:

“What a load of bull-shit. Advice to (some) men: stop being ass hats and trying to belittle and discourage women from being too smart for your game.” ~ Catherinellie
 
“Honestly Dr. Benzer, why should I change myself to find the “right” man?…Can you give some comparable tips for men, such as: How to date a smart woman? I am happier alone than with someone who does not cherish my intelligence.” ~ Cate Nelson

Should we all just dumb down and not think about things so much, and therefore get any man and be happy? ~ KellySeal

Seriously? On behalf of smart women everywhere, screw you, Huffington Post. ~keddens (via Twitter)
Wow.
At great personal and professional risk, I’m going to put myself out here and say that I agree with Dr. Benzer. I think his message is essential for women to hear, but it’s getting all jammed up in the frustration, disappointment, and pain so many single women are feeling. It’s regrettable, because I believe – no I know – that understanding this message is what mends women’s lives. It’s exactly what mended mine.

I was 47 when I was married for the first time. For 30 years I was that smart woman; always more interested in proving how intelligent, accomplished, and self-sufficient I was than in creating deep connection with another human being. Quite simply, I chose my fear and my ego over the joy of experiencing love.
During those years I would have fought to be first in line to scream Dr. Benzer down. After all, his advice wouldn’t have supported my “truth” that men were basically superficial jerks who just didn’t want a smart woman around.

Things changed when I was about 45. My wish for intimacy finally overcame my fear; and I got to work. I learned about myself and about men; and I came to understand that my biggest challenge wasn’t finding that rare good man who would accept me as I was. It was about me accepting who I was. All of who I was. I was that smart, independent woman…but I was also the lonely, soft, sometimes fragile woman wishing for the deep, real, comforting love and affection of a man. And that was all okay.

The same self confidence and personal strength that made me thrive in my professional life gave me the courage to risk opening up my heart to a man. I learned to trust myself enough to know that I would make good choices. I learned that a man’s respect is important, but his devotion only comes when he sees a complete woman in front of him; one who is willing to give and accept real and nourishing love. I learned that I didn’t need to fight and test men. I just needed to be my whole and real self. Strengths, needs, and all.

And then…my husband walked into my life. My tender, extraordinary, brilliant, man who wouldn’t have accepted anything less than a confident, able, woman who is fearless in her ability to love and capable of sustaining a grown-up relationship. My life was great before I met my husband; now it is complete. (Yes ladies…I say that not only without shame, but with pride.)

Dr. Pat Allen, in her books and seminars, teaches that when a man is respected by his partner, he feels cherished, and when a woman is cherished by her partner, she feels respected. This has been my experience. It’s also my experience that honoring and supporting my husband doesn’t take away one iota of my strength and self respect.

Going back to Dr. Benzer’s synopsis, here’s my question to you: what is so horrific and belittling about “embodying joy, compassion and sensuality, telling the man you love how great he is, and making him feel like a billion bucks and the conqueror of worlds?” This is something I look forward to doing every day for the man I love.
 
Dr. Benzer isn’t telling us to dumb down or to be happy with someone who doesn’t value our intelligence. He’s only telling us that we ought not lead and end with that. For most of us, it’s not all we are; and men want to see it all. They know you’re smart, but they also need to see and feel your softness, sensuality, and kindness.
Just for a moment, let your wall down and imagine your life with that man who wants it all from you; and is willing to honor it and give it all back. Can you honestly say you aren’t willing to make some shifts as Dr. Benzer and I suggest, to find a life with that man?

Next, my point by point response to Dr. Benzer’s salient, yet I believe, somewhat poorly stated points.

You can read part two here, and the final post here.


Gotta go. Be good to yourself.